Loss and Grief
Hello,
My specialism in my counselling practice is loss and bereavement. Loss in all its forms is a universal human experience but we are often ill prepared for it. It is not much talked about and when it hits us, we can be unsure that what we are experiencing is “normal” and this may cause unnecessary anxiety. We experience loss across our life span and in all areas of our life. This list is in no way exhaustive, anticipatory bereavement, bereavement, infant loss through miscarriage, termination, stillbirth, neonatal loss, sudden infant death, or accidental death. Loss of a relationship, infertility, loss of safety, loss of trust, loss of approval, loss of control, loss of health, ability, independence, loss of, career, income, status, responsibility, position, job, loss of opportunity, loss of a dream, loss of what you wanted but never had.
We each experience loss in our own unique own ways, forged by the blueprint of our lifelong experiences. When experiencing a loss, we may well be doing a certain amount of grieving. Grief is a process of adaptation and adjustment and although usually associated with bereavement, it is a process which we undergo in many experiences of loss. The first things to say about the grief process is that it is normal, it is exhausting, and it is anxiety provoking.
There have been several phases or stages identified during the process of grief. For the purposes of this blog, it may be helpful to consider the stages of grief first identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Research around grief and my own experience of grief when working with clients indicate very clearly that these stages are not necessarily linear. In my experience, never linear. Not everyone will experience all the stages, we may experience two together, some may last longer than others, we may skip over some, we may revisit some. They are general indicators. There is no specific way to grieve or sequence to grief. Each journey is unique and normal to each individual.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It may be that you will recognise some of these in reaction to your loss.
Denial – denial is a very useful defence when something happens that is beyond our comprehension or beyond our capacity to cope at this current time. It protects from the full realisation of what is happening to us. It enables us to survive and do what is essential on a daily basis.
Anger – this brings with it strong emotions at the effects the loss is having on us. Often that anger does not know where to direct itself, who or what to be angry with and at its most difficult, we turn the anger on ourselves. We often have a tricky relationship with anger. We end up repressing it or we end up hostile and raging. Neither is healthy and both come from positions of fear and anxiety. Anger must be experienced, the reason for it investigated and acknowledged so that we are in charge of what we do with it and can chose to let it go or allow it to mobilise us to make a change. Neither of these should damage us or someone else.
Bargaining – this is where we may have tried to strike deals with the universe, a deity if we have a faith, ourselves, each other. Could time be turned back? If we could go back, we’d be a better person, healthier, kinder, do everything we should. If this could go away, we’d change our ways. We don’t deserve what is happening to us, could it be given to someone who has led a bad life?
Depression – not in the sense of clinical depression but in the sense of our difficult days or tricky moments where we are overwhelmed by our sense of loss. Sometimes this is around our loss of knowing what to do or feeling that we are losing the fight. This often brings with it fear and hopelessness.
Acceptance – Gabor Maté’s explanation of acceptance resonates for me in the context of loss.
“Acceptance is simply the willingness to recognize and accept how things are. It is the courage to permit negative thinking to inform our understanding, without allowing it to define our approach to the future. Acceptance does not demand becoming resigned to the continuation of whatever circumstances may trouble us, but it does require a refusal to deny exactly how things happen to be now.” (from “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress” by Gabor Maté)
I hope some of that has been useful for you to reflect on. My intention has been to try to normalise the sometimes confusing and scary emotions that loss may bring. It is a very human experience and can sometimes shock us with the powerful feelings it unleashes.
Warm wishes,
Alyson