Offering support to bereaved family, friends and colleagues
Hello,
This blog will be looking at how we can be supportive to family, friends and colleagues who are grieving. It is possible that talking about death has become one of the last taboos in our society. We are slowly becoming more comfortable with talking about mental health, but grief and death make most of us feel uncomfortable. In fact we have created any number of euphemisms rather than say the words died, death or dead; passed away, passed on, taken their last breath, gone to a better place, we lost him/her, to name a few. These words and phrases are used in the hope that we are shielded from the reality of death. They are unhelpful for that very reason and can be particularly unhelpful for young children who may not begin to understand the permanency of death if we use words and phrases with dual meaning.
The reasons for this avoidance may be complex but in talking about death and seeing the effects of grief on those around us, it is possible that we are faced with our own mortality and our own potential and anticipated grief. We become closer to the uncomfortable truth that we ourselves will someday die as will those we love.
If death stirs up uncomfortable feelings in us, it is understandable that we find it difficult to approach those who are bereaved. We don’t know what to say. We don’t know what to do. We leave it too long and it becomes harder. We worry about upsetting that person and not knowing what to do about their distress. We feel we should be trying to make them feel better but don’t know how. We see them coming back to work or going about their daily lives and convince ourselves they are fine now. We talk about anything except the death.
Some suggestions of what to say and do.
- Let the person who is grieving know you are thinking of them and want to be there for them – pick up the phone, write a letter, email, text, or arrange to visit. Attachment theory tells us it’s important for humans to know they are “kept in mind”. It is the reason we give children transitional objects. A bereaved person will be feeling bereft, so this is the time to let them know they are “kept in mind”.
- If you see them anywhere, don’t let your own uneasiness allow you to ignore them. If you don’t know what to say, try “I am so sorry about …….’s death” and take it from there. Bereaved people talk about deep hurt when they are ignored by those they consider friends.
- Empathy is much better than sympathy. This means trying to stand in that other person’s shoes, seeing things from their perspective, recognising the pain they are in and offering to be with them while they are there and honour what they need in that moment. It may be that they need to talk about the person who has died and you just need to be there to listen. It may mean that they need to put a brave face on and you can stand with them while they do that. They may need to express anger and please don’t fear this. Sympathy tends to lead us to try and make people feel better and to fix things. You can’t make it better; you can’t fix it. Stay away from, “time is a great healer”, “you’ll get over it”, “at least it was quick”, or anything that might make the person have to agree with your perspective or feel obliged to pretend that has made them feel better.
- Offer a time and environment in which the bereaved person can be themselves and show their feelings, rather than having to put on a front.
- Invite them out. Expect them to potentially say no. Accept that, but don’t stop asking. One day they will be ready and will really appreciate you hanging in there.
- Grief is a normal reaction to overwhelming loss. It does not have a time limit. It is a process, unique to each person. Telling someone to move on, or that you think they should be over it, is not helpful.
- Contact the person at difficult times such as special anniversaries and birthdays.
- Offer useful practical help. It is useful to be specific about this and tell them what you are offering to do. Saying “let me know if I can help” usually means they won’t ask.
- Mention useful support agencies such as Cruse Bereavement Care who have a wealth of different types of support. They have useful information for those supporting bereaved people and children.
- Finally, and most importantly, just be yourself and do your best. We worry that we might upset people if we mention the death or that we will remind them, or we will make it worse. Rest assured that they are already upset, you have not caused the tears, they were near the surface. We cannot remind them of the death because they have not forgotten and however clumsy your words or approach, you cannot make it worse, the worst has already happened.
Warm wishes,
Alyson